Written by Alexandria Danilovitch
April 1st is bittersweet, because I am not only pregnant with our rainbow baby and he will be here any day now, but 2 years ago this day, our hearts were crushed.
•April 1, 2017•
I was in New Jersey for a conference with some of my amazing girlfriends from my business team. I was excited to be there with them and I was walking around on cloud 9 filled with complete joy, because I was pregnant for the first time.
That morning started like any other. I needed to eat due to a little bit of morning sickness, but other than that I felt energized and good! Unfortunately, as the morning progressed I started feeling weird. I went to the bathroom and knew something was wrong. I went back to my seat and told a girlfriend (who was also a nurse) what was going on. I cross referenced my symptoms and it looked to be a subchorionic hemorrhage. After some discussion with my girlfriend, I decided to get checked out. I went searching for a women’s clinic that would see me, but nobody would. Every one I called told me to go to the ER, so I finally did. My girlfriend was kind enough to join me, bless her heart because it sucked there. They were swamped.
After a while, I was finally seen by a nurse who takes my blood to see if I’m really pregnant and then we waited. Test results came back positive. HCG levels were over 64,000, and the rest of my blood work look really good. Then I was transferred to radiology to get a transvaginal ultrasound and this is where things take a turn. The ultrasound tech was horrible. She had absolutely no people skills. She wouldn’t look at me, she wouldn’t let me see anything, and she wouldn’t speak to me. She just shoved her wand around inside of me as if I wasn’t even human and banged on her keyboard taking measurements of the baby and anything else.
Afterwards, I was just told to get dressed and we were then placed in a hallway to wait some more. A woman came by with a rolling computer and handed me a bill, for which I paid for in cash and then we waited some more. We were near a dr/nurses station so we could see what was going on. A paper came through on the printer, a doctor picked it up, took a look at it and came out to find the patient. That patient was me still waiting in the hallway. He looked at me, looked at the paper and said, “There’s no heartbeat.” and he proceeds to hand me the paper, tells me I can get checked out back at home, and basically sent me on my way. I looked at the paper and the diagnosis was “subchorionic hemorrhage”.
I was numb, I was in shock, and I thought it was a sick April Fools joke played by Satan himself, because in those 3 words my whole world was crushed along with my heart into a billion little pieces. The absolute worst part was having to call my husband and tell him.
Then I went into denial.
Remember I said I was at a conference with amazing girlfriends? Well they rallied around me, prayed for me, told me their stories, and gave me hope. Throughout the rest of the trip, my denial stayed strong and my hope stayed alive.
I eventually got home to see an OB and again my HCG levels were checked and they were only a few hundred below what it was in NJ. They said that it wasn’t a significant drop to be considered a miscarriage and that it could be just a difference in the two testing centers.Denial and hope remained. I was then scheduled for another transvaginal ultrasound. This time at least the tech was incredibly kind. She explained every little thing to us and let us see our baby on the tv screen. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find a heartbeat either and we were crushed once again.
April 1, 2017, started a month long miscarriage process. Yes, almost the entire month because my body didn’t recognize it at first, so I continued to have morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms even though there wasn’t a heartbeat. Once I did start miscarrying, it was a hell of a lot more than just “a bad period”. I cramped for weeks and then had full blown contractions to release the baby and then also the placenta. That was something mentally I was definitely not prepared for. Again, my heart shattered.
Again, beyond my physical pain was the heartbreak of having to tell my husband and seeing his pain.
1 in 4 women have suffered a miscarriage and many others have suffered infertility of some kind and from stillbirths.
So, today I remember my first loss (1 of 3), but I’m excited for our rainbow, God’s promise after a storm; a new adventure and blessing that is on his way.